I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.