how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My biological clock is wheezing.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Goat cheese is for herders.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.