I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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Become a minion. Get that bread.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.