My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles