Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
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me: my friends:
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Jogging
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
damn he’s good
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?