IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
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Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
some Old Testament wisdom
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.