My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Broom by every window for quick escape.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.