ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Sponch
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
sigh
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Well, shit
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
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