[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*