Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.