Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
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I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me My dog
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳