My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
You Might Also Like
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Bed should get ready for ME
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.