A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
synchronized noseblowing
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.