I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭