I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
You Might Also Like
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Fries, not lies.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude