My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
When someone says you are so lazy
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
WWE is French for “yes”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
shit just got real
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.