The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv