Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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Woke up against my better judgement again
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Spa day..😅
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.