Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that