I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Covid like
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”