Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.