If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
A small tragedy.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
men are simple creatures
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile