It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
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me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Bringing home a sharpie
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.