yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My five year plan is a meteorite
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot