If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Good morning.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder