My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.