a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for