I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
This made me smile…
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.