Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction