[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
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train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?