How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
won’t smith
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.