*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”