You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
You Might Also Like
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I can’t be the only one 😂
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
#Caturday