I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
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They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup