Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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#FunnyLife Insects
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.