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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Europe. Made in Germany.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
When you’re Kinky but poor
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
🤣🤣💀
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I know
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair