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I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Home is where your toilet is.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.