anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
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Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”