When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
How did we not see this back then?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Writing, She Murdered.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”