Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
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Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Sex so good you see dead people.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.