A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
lumberjacks will cut a birch
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not