I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin