I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
thank god
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.