Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Single and childfree like Jesus
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.