She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Canadian owl: Eh?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.