I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
You Might Also Like
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
How does one answer this?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim