33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I can’t be the only one 😂
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.