my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Lmao 🤣
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Oh boy, $150,000!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.