man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
You Might Also Like
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
*looks at you in batman voice*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case