A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Rooting for the overdog
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born